There's something magical about re-reading these posts, especially the ones I never published and forgot about. They are like little love letters to myself; a moment in time captured in prayer that it may never be lost, that the grinder of time may not wear it down, that I may not sink into the belief that my future self was always this way. They are a reminder that even as experience fades, lessons do not, and dear God look how far we've all come.
I see now, in a lot of ways I was barking up the wrong tree. For whatever reason, I always had something to prove, and I could only do better by doing. I spent so much time trying to push; and when that didnt work I thought I needed to push harder, then beat myself up about why it was so hard. In truth, it was so hard because I was pushing against the needs of my inner self; to be enough just by being, to relax sometimes, to do something restful but not productive, but mostly for my feelings to be heard. I'm better at that now.
The turning point
For all the terribleness it is, destruction does have a purpose. On the day that I pulled the plug and stepped into unadulterated chaos, I felt pure terror yes, but also a new purpose and power; I had learned a lot of lessons in the hardest way possible, but I also had the resolve that this is not the end of my experience, growth, relationships, happiness. In the quiet that followed, I withdrew, and in that new space I found to be kinder to myself, I learned a new way to relate to the world that wasn't ruled by fearful projections and manifestations of social anxiety.
The person I didn't know I needed
His name is Eric Larson, the coach/therapist that has helped me a lot in the last few years. In the crisis-i-didnt-know-was-crisis-at-the-time, he helped me find my feet and showed me how to choose which direction to point them.
He taught me to unravel the unseen web of feelings which rise and fall deep inside me, to process them, to let them be heard but not overwhelm me. By giving them voice I could let them be heard and then settle back into their homes within me. I could finally ... get a handle on life without it overwhelming me. Have the space to plan what is fulfilling for me, and build the experience and life that is a living memory of what I want to achieve.
(nb: I feel comfortable writing his name because its a sufficiently generic name and there are multiple such therapists, and I have nothing but good things to say).
Where I am now
I think its been 9 or 10 years since I first built this blog, and I feel very different. I've conquered what I only hope is the hardest moment of my life, moved countries, started to build an awesome group of people and friends, picked up a ton of new hobbies (including some athletic in nature - how unusual!), and have had the opportunity to work on amazing things with amazing people (and more to come soon :).
I'll concede theres a new girl and I'm still as much of a hopeless romantic as I've always been, but I guess some things never change XD Her name is Jackie Its early days, but I'm hopeful.
Here's to the next little while, till I next find myself in content reflection and find myself back to this site. I can't wait to see you and hear about what you've done, future self.