Two steps forward, one step backward

All things take time. Progress and the steps that come to define it (in hindsight) are elusive in the present yet painfully obvious in reflection. And now, in this moment, I feel like I've been spinning in circles and all the while shuffling backward.

She's done very, very little to show me she wants to be in my life. All my friends are worried that I keep trying to keep her around, and think her unreliable and only going to cause me pain. I don't disagree. Why am I still here?

Would it go against my being to tell her off straight -- that shes been a shitty partner/date-ner, I need / am-looking-for better, and goodbye? And why haven't I done that yet?

Have I been so busy that I forgot about doing things thoughtfully and deliberately?

Should I try and slow down and find my center, or push harder into the things that I think will improve myself and the things I want to do with my time?

Have I let my foot off the gas as of late? I feel like I should be further along in terms of being bold-er socially & in my romantic life, but lately I havent even enjoyed being out.

Its 2 weeks till Christmas. I'll be at a very chaotic party with Jackie tonight, on a flight for a few days in NYC by Tuesday, and launching a feature at work Wednesday. I hope the following week will bring a slowdown, and, clarity.

Reflections in solitude & lessons of time

There's something magical about re-reading these posts, especially the ones I never published and forgot about. They are like little love letters to myself; a moment in time captured in prayer that it may never be lost, that the grinder of time may not wear it down, that I may not sink into the belief that my future self was always this way. They are a reminder that even as experience fades, lessons do not, and dear God look how far we've all come.

I see now, in a lot of ways I was barking up the wrong tree. For whatever reason, I always had something to prove, and I could only do better by doing. I spent so much time trying to push; and when that didnt work I thought I needed to push harder, then beat myself up about why it was so hard. In truth, it was so hard because I was pushing against the needs of my inner self; to be enough just by being, to relax sometimes, to do something restful but not productive, but mostly for my feelings to be heard. I'm better at that now.

The turning point

For all the terribleness it is, destruction does have a purpose. On the day that I pulled the plug and stepped into unadulterated chaos, I felt pure terror yes, but also a new purpose and power; I had learned a lot of lessons in the hardest way possible, but I also had the resolve that this is not the end of my experience, growth, relationships, happiness. In the quiet that followed, I withdrew, and in that new space I found to be kinder to myself, I learned a new way to relate to the world that wasn't ruled by fearful projections and manifestations of social anxiety.

The person I didn't know I needed

His name is Eric Larson, the coach/therapist that has helped me a lot in the last few years. In the crisis-i-didnt-know-was-crisis-at-the-time, he helped me find my feet and showed me how to choose which direction to point them.

He taught me to unravel the unseen web of feelings which rise and fall deep inside me, to process them, to let them be heard but not overwhelm me. By giving them voice I could let them be heard and then settle back into their homes within me. I could finally ... get a handle on life without it overwhelming me. Have the space to plan what is fulfilling for me, and build the experience and life that is a living memory of what I want to achieve.

(nb: I feel comfortable writing his name because its a sufficiently generic name and there are multiple such therapists, and I have nothing but good things to say).

Where I am now

I think its been 9 or 10 years since I first built this blog, and I feel very different. I've conquered what I only hope is the hardest moment of my life, moved countries, started to build an awesome group of people and friends, picked up a ton of new hobbies (including some athletic in nature - how unusual!), and have had the opportunity to work on amazing things with amazing people (and more to come soon :).

I'll concede theres a new girl and I'm still as much of a hopeless romantic as I've always been, but I guess some things never change XD Her name is Jackie Its early days, but I'm hopeful.

Here's to the next little while, till I next find myself in content reflection and find myself back to this site. I can't wait to see you and hear about what you've done, future self.

Drunk plans

Here's to all the things Im considering now I'm drunk, absent anxiety, and full of energy.

  1. Learn to shuffle!
  2. Take a course in digital signal processing
  3. Build (either using PCBs or vinyl) a graphical map of San Francisco
  4. Trick out my bike with LEDs and a speaker system
  5. Actually fuckin start Reclaim The Streets here in San Francisco

Posted on June 13, 2020 by twitchyliquid64 | Tagged: #drunk  #life 


Somewhere within, an unvocalized, intense desire for change springs forth. Marked by sheer intensity of will, the burning impulse rouses all faculties to action, unwilling to consider pacifism in pursuit of its ultimate goal.

With engines revving hard and the Doing Brain kicking into gear, there is no time for even a passing acknowledgement that the status quo is unsatisfactory. Every uncertainty quickly takes its leave, as you laser focus towards your target. There can only be strength, and a direct hit is certain.

These moments are rare, but damn are they powerful.

Do it for you

If you're:

  • Doing it out of fear or perceived social pressure
  • Doing it in reaction to aggression or to minimize your anxiety
  • Doing it to in pursuit of some outcome (excluding goals)

There's something up. Stop, feel, understand. Listen to your core, and find your center.

If you're:

  • Doing it because its important to you, regardless of outcome
  • Doing it because its for someone important to you, regardless of the traditionality of the relationship
  • Doing it because it brings you closer to your goals

then God's speed.

Posted on June 8, 2020 by twitchyliquid64 | Tagged: