Reflections in solitude & lessons of time

There's something magical about re-reading these posts, especially the ones I never published and forgot about. They are like little love letters to myself; a moment in time captured in prayer that it may never be lost, that the grinder of time may not wear it down, that I may not sink into the belief that my future self was always this way. They are a reminder that even as experience fades, lessons do not, and dear God look how far we've all come.

I see now, in a lot of ways I was barking up the wrong tree. For whatever reason, I always had something to prove, and I could only do better by doing. I spent so much time trying to push; and when that didnt work I thought I needed to push harder, then beat myself up about why it was so hard. In truth, it was so hard because I was pushing against the needs of my inner self; to be enough just by being, to relax sometimes, to do something restful but not productive, but mostly for my feelings to be heard. I'm better at that now.

The turning point

For all the terribleness it is, destruction does have a purpose. On the day that I pulled the plug and stepped into unadulterated chaos, I felt pure terror yes, but also a new purpose and power; I had learned a lot of lessons in the hardest way possible, but I also had the resolve that this is not the end of my experience, growth, relationships, happiness. In the quiet that followed, I withdrew, and in that new space I found to be kinder to myself, I learned a new way to relate to the world that wasn't ruled by fearful projections and manifestations of social anxiety.

The person I didn't know I needed

His name is Eric Larson, the coach/therapist that has helped me a lot in the last few years. In the crisis-i-didnt-know-was-crisis-at-the-time, he helped me find my feet and showed me how to choose which direction to point them.

He taught me to unravel the unseen web of feelings which rise and fall deep inside me, to process them, to let them be heard but not overwhelm me. By giving them voice I could let them be heard and then settle back into their homes within me. I could finally ... get a handle on life without it overwhelming me. Have the space to plan what is fulfilling for me, and build the experience and life that is a living memory of what I want to achieve.

(nb: I feel comfortable writing his name because its a sufficiently generic name and there are multiple such therapists, and I have nothing but good things to say).

Where I am now

I think its been 9 or 10 years since I first built this blog, and I feel very different. I've conquered what I only hope is the hardest moment of my life, moved countries, started to build an awesome group of people and friends, picked up a ton of new hobbies (including some athletic in nature - how unusual!), and have had the opportunity to work on amazing things with amazing people (and more to come soon :).

I'll concede theres a new girl and I'm still as much of a hopeless romantic as I've always been, but I guess some things never change XD Her name is Jackie Its early days, but I'm hopeful.

Here's to the next little while, till I next find myself in content reflection and find myself back to this site. I can't wait to see you and hear about what you've done, future self.

This feeling

Oh how I missed this feeling. I haven't felt it in a while.

The hopeful anxiety, the intensity of the moment, the future rushing forward bursting with incredible possibilities. Feeling the cold wind through your fingers as you hold them up to the world, as if you are the master of the very air. The knot in your stomach that brings you soaring to an incredible natural ecstacy, drunk indulgences of making plans.

Alas I know, this is just a moment. Sometime soon, my hopes may turn to worries, probabilities to possibilities, and my unnatural grin may fade to indifference. But hey, this it what it means to be alive.

Lets try something a little bit different

Its really hard to stay in a happy state, whilst also having the emotional / physical energy to be social, be productive, get the girl etc.

I've heard from quite a few people now an interesting concept: setting your life on an upward spiral. Great read here, a summary of a good book here, and a more systems-oriented piece here.

An upward spiral is about continuously re-enforcing patterns, thoughts and emotions which are beneficial and help us grow. Whilst being a very agreeable concept, the challenge is bringing positivity to every facet of your present living, rather than keeping a balance or simply relying on blind optimism.

How am I going to do it? I'm going to go out and spend meaningful time with friends and family. I'm going to work towards tangible Things That Matter in my spare hours (fitness, exploring the world, persuit of love & happiness) and try and exclude a lot of my hobbies which, for the time being, are simply distractions.


Burned into my memory, the sight of green eyes smiling at me in the moonlight streaming through her window. Her intoxicating smell filling my nostrils with sweetness. Her soft, tanned skin beneath my hands and face.

There is something about lying with your woman in her pyjamas that mellows the soul and puts everything into perspective. Those magical moments spent pressed up against another human being with nothing separating you. In the rising light of the morning, it is us against the world.

We talked about everything and nothing that mattered, and went from enthusiastic strangers to teary-eyed lovers saying goodbye.

Her memory continues to fill my mind. Its little things; her gorgeous Spanish accent, Affectionate phrases, along with the way she plays with my hair or touches my face.

I like to think that everything happens for a reason- every little moment or person I meet has a part to play in my journey as I play a part in theirs.

For us lonely souls, there are reminders that there is love coming but just out of arms reach. Its a teaser, a signal to not give up hope. To fight with all the strength we can muster as we ride - broken and scarred but with high spirits - through the rapids of life.

Araitz, thank you for the gifts you have given me. Thank you for your sweetness and gentle touch. Thank you for those 11 hours that were arguably the best 11 hours of my life.

Long lost nights

And an ache of lust

I can feel your touch

I will feed on us

Low tide sighs

And it's not enough

I would lace you up

I could taste your love

Echoes burn me in the night

My silence you're stealing

Since you taught me how to do it right

My heart has been bleeding

Begging to return the light (You taught me babe)

In the silence i'm kneeling (Now I crave someone)

You taught me how to do it right (Who feels the same)

My heart has been bleeding

-- Bigger than Love - Ian Bluestone


I lost all my riches, The diamonds in the mind.

It turns out that this was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Errors and glitches, What a way to find,

That such hurt could bring you greater peace of mind.

If you've ever lost every part of yourself,

If you've left your heart on a lonely avenue,

It will be only a matter of time,

Before your life comes through for you.