Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

- jkcreative

Why is it that every single decision or action I make, every fucking one, is tainted by the silent motive of my longings. A demon of silent desire and envy, {REDACTED}, hangs over me like eternal baggage, and brings a fading edge of hope everytime it shifts uncomfortably in its ride.

I don't remember when it started, it wasn't always like this. But at such stretches of memory closure escapes me. Somewhere, my essence decided that my life was given colour by something eternally out of reach.

I've been trapped ever since. My decisions are no longer truly mine, even on the days when I'm feeling too proud or happy to admit it. Instead, any possibility of satisfying my longings shifts my desires, and temporarily rewrites whole parts of my behavior. So much for be yourself.

I've done the internet searches. I've read the books. And yes - I seem to adore all those songs. But how can I {REDACTED}

Ironically, the perpetrator of all of this is me. Whilst the object of my decisions and desires is clearly driven in a single direction, I sabotage myself with my hobbies, music, youtube videos, and innane gaming. Why can't I dedicate as much effort towards happiness as I can towards my distractions?

So this is my contract with myself. If I have not made substantial improvements, by the 20th November 2016, I must aggressively pursue personal change to these ends to the detriment of other pursuits. This is not the start of something, it is merely a safety net - to avoid an end.

I need to change how I do things. I need to remember in every moment that I need to do something DIFFERENT to what I have always done.

No more can I stare idly at the world and admire its potential without adding to its possibilities. This is the end of sonder. Should I fail, I die.

Retrospective edit: This was a ... hard time in my life. I'm better now.